Next day, Riding the Schoolbus Dream:
Had another dream, of which I can only remember the end. The same woman of this dream was in the quitting work dream, which sheds a particular light on the meaning of that dream. I had asked before going to sleep last night, that the message clarify from the night before, because I felt I didn't have a handle on that dream.
Based on last nights dream, I am even more strongly convinced I'm dealing with survival issues but also now see clearly that sexuality figures in too because of her returning, due to our relationship in the past.
This particular woman was a sexual threat to my marriage at one point. And a threat to what I believed, and still believe, a marriage should be.
Her appearance caused a horrifying realization to hit me. I was in relationship with a man who did not share my own beliefs about what a marriage meant. The relationship was really over then, even though nothing untoward had occurred between these two. It was over because I knew we weren't on the same page on this very vital issue. I didn't know it was over and spent several years denying that fact but in reality, the spiritual marriage ended the day I made the discovery of such a drastic difference in beliefs about marriage.
This woman had little respect for my boundaries even though she lived at my home. She did things that were blatantly disrespectful in a spiritual way, as well, and I had no support for stopping that behavior. I felt alone, threatened and unsupported. It was a very painful time.
Her sexual attitude was one of freedom, regardless of who it ended up hurting. And it ended up hurting me as well as others.
So, her appearance again last night was a potent addition to the dream of the night before.
What I remember of the dream is that we had spent the day together and were riding a school bus home. We rode the bus to the home of my youth. As she got up to get off the bus, she hugged me and asked me if I was ok. She said she was hesitant to ask....afraid of my reaction. I said yeah, I was ok. Then, as she walked away, I called to her and told her I loved her.
Suddenly, I realized this was my stop too so I went to grab my coat and purse and found the woman's little boy (she has one in real life and the details of his birth held concern for me in real life) asleep on my coat. I woke him quickly and got him off the bus.
The mother was sitting across the street, on the back of a pickup truck, talking with someone.
This is all highly signifiant. One more thing. On the bus, I only recall one other familar face. It was a boy I went to school with and once liked but also always felt he was....well, it's hard to find the right words.
I saw this same boy, now a man of course, at the post office the other day and had that same feeling wash over me....I felt sorry for him some way, wanted to avoid him in another. Oh, ok, I think the feeling is somehow knowing how needy he is, in establishing his sexual identity.
Now, I can see where the sexual component ties in. I was dealing with feelings of sexual inadequacy too, because I was feeling as if the man I loved considered me a prude. I was aware of that, maybe universal, fantasy of men to have more than one woman. I felt I might have to do that, like Jane Fonda and probably more women than we know, to keep my marriage together.
In the end, I didn't make that choice. But not making it didn't mean I had dealt with the pain of it. This dream is good because it is working toward a healing of those issues.
In the dream, I was able to tell her I loved her, and even more signficant, I was able to bring her son back to her.
Having seen that particular boy from my school days was telling as well. And I just remembered something else. I saw his son on the bus too. And thought, wow that has to be ____'s son, looks just like him.
Interesting that I saw both the son of the woman
and the son of this man. The next generation.
There are even more elements to the dream. The fact that she went across the street from my Grandmother's house and was sitting on a pickup truck....significant. Anytime a dream takes you back to a specific place or time in my past, I know I'm being asked to heal an issue from that time. And because I was brought back there by a woman with whom I had issues as an adult, it points to a chronic pattern of challenge starting back then.
At this point in the dream, it is less an image of the one woman, as much as a combination of her and a particular girl I went to school with.
We both had divorced parents. I'm not certain about her father but he may have been an alcoholic too, like mine. So we had a resonance, she and I.
Her presence ties in the abuse of my childhood, my relationship with my father and then with all men, based on that abusive relationship.
I'm thankful for the healing of old wounds and thought paradigms that these dreams are facilitating. The ant medicine is really affecting me too, on spiritual levels. The Iridodial is a good thing. I'm glad to have found it.