Saturday, June 25, 2005


The past few nights, I've had very short dreams, mostly of the "ego clean-up" category. In other words, not what I'd classify as "Medicine Dreams" which are dreams resulting in spiritual enlightenment and/or acceleration. A medicine dream will shift reality. Ego clean ups are often needed before a Medicine Dream can occur, and typically address one or two current or recurrent issues.. Each one to the point and brief. When I have encapsulated dreams, that seem to begin and end with a single event or scene, I typically find that they deal with one easily identifiable issue or message. Recent ego clean-up dream:

The dream begins with me in the embrace of a male healer. Hie is sitting behind me on the healing table, with his arms and legs wrapped around me. It is completely nonsexual.

He is a man I know in real life, who is brain surgeon. That's a healer in the medical profession, and one dealing with the intricate workings of gray matter, so it's interesting that I chose him to represent the issue. But there's more of a reason. This same man is sort of a laid back, hippy type who plays jazz on his off time. In that way, he reminds me very much of the man with whom I spent 7 years of my life in spiritual marriage. (I've written of this relationship often on the blog because recovery from the loss of it has been an extreme focus for a couple of years.)

I always look carefully at the people who populate my dream. If they are known to me in real life, they are either there literally (as was the case with my step-father Bo in this dream or they are representative of something. If they are there to represent, then I always ask myself what I think of them in waking life and I trust the impressions that come. Then, I look more broadly (for example, the man in this dream is a brain surgeon - while that wasn't an impression loaded with any "what I think of him" connotations, it is signicant to the message of the dream) and ask who the person is, what they do and what those factors might have to do with the overall message of the dream since it is clear to me that it has to do with my current state of thinking.

So, I'm in the middle of a healing session with this man when the dream begins. It is an extremely brief dream, which typically indicates "ego self" level healing. He has his arms around me and is rocking back and forth. His right knee connects with my hip in a certain way that seems energetically significant in the dream. The positioning and the rhythym both serve to accentuate the emergence of tears. I begin to weep from a deep emotional place. I feel him react to the tears in a negative way. He begins to tell me that it is not appropriate that I am so needy. I am confused by this in the dream, thinking that I am not needy but feeling safe to express deep feelings. I feel very misunderstood.

At that crucial moment, and before I can express what I have thought to the man, his wife walks in. I feel immediately as if she will think we are doing something wrong, just as the man misunderstood my tears.

This woman, in real life, is not married to the man but I also know her in my waking life. She is married to another man. Now, I could easily have chosen the man's real wife,, since she is known to me as well but the woman who appears as his wife in this dream directed me in a play. She walks in, sits down, looks at me and says simply "You've aged". It is devastating to me in the dream. It is as if she has valued me only in terms of my age. And now I'm too old.

Being misunderstood and feeling old. This one was pretty simple for me. In waking life, I work as a professional actress, in addition my services as a wellness counselor and spiritual healer. Recenty, I lost a commercial role because I was not young enough to match with the man and boy who were cast, to make up a family. I'm in that in-between place. I don't look like a grandma but I'm a little old for most commercial mom parts. In addition, the woman who appears in this dream as the wife also sort of rejected me indirectly, when casting another play, by choosing someone with more experience. So.......the dream is quite simply telling me I've aged and to get on with it.

The first part, with the man, is a bit more complicated. After thinking of the setting, the way we were entwined and the sequence of events, what comes to me is that it was representative of my past, in that I trusted my partner, allowed him access to all of me, and then I felt betrayed when that trust was broken. The tapping on my hip by the man's knee was a sort of gentle urging not to close down my sexual energy. I definitely have done that and it was a good reminder that, whether or not a person is in a sexual relationship, they are still sexual beings and that kundalini lifeforce energy should not be suppressed.

In this dream, which occurred the next night, I am in a scene read thru with the male lead in the play and one other woman. I find myself, mid-scene, and with no idea what the scene is or what my character's lines are in the scene. The man is totally unconcerned and seems to want me just to totally ad-lib while he follows the script. It is terribly disorienting because I have no idea what the scene is about or even what my character might possibly be saying or thinking. I feel I am being disrespected because neither he or the other woman who is there will let me take the time to actually read the script and find out where we are, in the script.

Again, this is a fairly simple issue and tied into the events of the other dream. I didn't lose the commercial because I can't act. I lost it because I was too old. In a sense, it was disrespectful even to call me in on it, much less have me drive all the way back to Nashville a second time for the call-back. I didn't know where we were in the script, in a manner of speaking, but I had a feeling about it even in the audition because of the script lines they called out to me, and had me read back to the camera. They seemed to be more geared toward a mom with young children, a role I'm too old to really play. Recently, I've really been talking with the universe about acting and I've come to the conclusion that I'm no longer willing to trek about to this audition and that one, unless it is a part that I KNOW I'm right for. So, I've asked that the universe only send those types of projects my way.

No comments: