Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Dreams about Impeccability

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The past few nights, I've had dreams that would have been easy to dismiss as ego-clean up, or personality level, dreams rather than higher-vibration Medicine Dreams. They seemed to deal with petty issues but as I inserted intuitive sensing into them I began to see they were much more.

In the first dream I was in an apartment. I was with a man. We were apparently there to rob the place, though we never actually took anything that I recall. For some reason, I had a basket of dirty clothes in my hand when the daughter of the man who owned the apartment walked in. I, and the man I was with, began to spin lies about why we were there. I told the daughter it was a new housekeeping policy the condo owners had agreed on, and it included free housekeeping. She actually bought the lie. I couldn't help thinking, in the dream itself, how stupid she was.

Then, just as we had convinced the daughter, two Mexican men walked in. I felt one was the brother of the daughter, even though they were different nationalities (the daughter was caucasian) and didn't know who the other man was but I was getting extremely nervous that the owner of the apartment would come in as well before we left.

Then, the man with me (he took the form of a man I had known years ago, which is significant) pulled out a cd of songs he had written and popped it into the cd player for the two men to hear. It was as if he thought they could help him get them published.

At that point, I'm just about panicking because I feel we need to get out. I can't believe he is doing this. END OF DREAM

I'm in an apartment again, this time looking for a man known to me in waking life. Our relationship has been completely platonic but he is married and has expressed to me before that his wife simply would not understand. So, he has lied to her or, at the very least, committed the sin of omission when we have traveled together. He is involved in the entertainment industry as well. In this dream, I am looking for his apartment but also aware that his wife should not find out. I am uncertain which room he is in. The number 21 keeps coming up but I am uncertain. Then, I find what I believe is his apartment and there are blankets over the door. It is being remodeled. END OF DREAM SNIPPET

These are dreams about impeccability. I have lived my life, all my life, under my own microscope. I am fiercely and even brutally honest with myself. I believe in impeccable behavior, which is often confused with perfected behavior. For me, to be impeccable means to be responsible. Responsible for my actions, my thoughts, my behavior, my choices. Being impeccable means being accountable, on the highest spiritual levels, for every moment of my living. Whenever my actions stem from any place tainted with deception, I am forced to account for that in my own soul.

In the first dream, I am there to steal. We think of stealing as taking other people's things, property, etc. In this dream, I am literally being shown that acting without impeccability is actually stealing people's time, a far worse offense.

Both these dreams, in different places and peopled with different representations of myself, are about accountability for past action. The man who appeared in the first dream represented all the past decisions in my life based on less than 100% sincerity and surrender to the highest good. He is not in my life right now but at the time he was a part of my life, there was a mutual friend "in the business" that he put me in touch with. It was obvious that this man was a "player". At that time, I was someone to play with, if you know what I mean. I wasn't 30 pounds overweight then, and 50 years old. I was quite attractive. Although I never did anything inapproriate with this man, I allowed myself to be put in that category by his treatment of me. I call this allowing of thought form energies around and about me, projected by men with lower vibrational goals, mental prostitution.

In the performing arts business, it is desperately hard to walk with true impeccability. There are so very many opportunities for deceiving yourself or others. When you go in for an audition, you must convince the casting directors, producers, writers, and directors that you are the right person for that role. It has been a pattern of mine, and I'm sure for many other actors, to ignore the disrespect inherent in the casting office. I have tried with all my might to impress the people who can give me the job. I have smiled when I did not mean it. I have complemented people I don't respect. I have said it's fine that I had to wait 2 hours, or that the director answers his cell phone while I'm giving my audition, or that the casting director has a large dog in the room, that barks while I'm trying to get thru my lines, or that they want to change the part I'm reading for just before I walk in the room to read. All those disrespectful things have happened in auditions. I have bent my own rules of impeccable behavior, for the sake of getting the job. I'm reminded of my last audition. It was for Hamburger Helper. This is a product I would never eat and one that I think is dangerous for children to eat, because of the monosodium glutamate contained in it. What a paradox for my soul to have to sell this product. For money. And further, it became apparent at the reading that they were looking for someone younger. Why bring me in at all? It did cast younger. I made two trips for nothing. Well, not for nothing. This dream sprang from that.

When this man from my past tried to play the cd for the two Mexicans, it was so similar in energy to me trying to impress the other man "in the business" when really, all he was interested in was a physical encounter. Once that was ruled out, I could not get him to return my calls.

Why Mexican? That has to do with how I grew up. Forgive me if it sounds racist. It is not a statement about Mexican people in general. It is a statement about the only Mexicans I ever met, growing up. They were poor. Even more poor than my family had ever been, and we were poor. So playing the tape for them in the dream was representative of the totally futile attempts I have made over the years to various people in power, in the entertainment industry. I was appealing to the least likely people to be able to help.

This one was similar in energy. I differentiated between "stealing" and "deception" but really, stealing is a form of deception too. I saw, under my microscope, that I had traveled with this married man in spite of the fact that I knew he was not telling his wife we were together. The fact that nothing happened is not the point. The fact that nothing would ever happen is not the point. I was not impeccable. I was party to a deception. It was very reasonably justified by him, of course. She wouldn't understand. Nothing is going on so why upset her over nothing?. That was his justification but I could not justify. I went because it was a way to go somewhere I wanted to go. Wrong reason.

I have been a dark night of the soul for quite some time now. These dreams are intensifying in their messages. I can no longer compromise myself spiritually, on any level. It is deadly to my soul. The fact that the apartment was being remodeled when I finally found it is further proof. The ability to deceive on any level is not something I'm going to be able to keep doing. That way of thinking is being remodeled.

Even the number "21" is significant. I associate that with gambling. I know what is at risk.

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