Monday, August 22, 2005

Dreams about your first love

I am in the old house I spent my teenage years in, my Grandmother's house. I am on a bridge in the middle of the living room. It is a wooden bridge. I am walking across it. Behind me, my Mom watches and sends encouragement. To my right, sitting in a chair, is my first true love. This is the man I first had sex with, the one that I adored in junior high school and finally got to date after getting out of school. He's still one of the most handsome men I've ever known and one of the most emotionally damaged.

As I walk, I am reliving my past with him. I am surprised to find the memories pleasant, and not traumatic at all though he hurt me, over and over, by his unwillingness to commit. I turn to him and say "I didn't know how it would be, you know. Memories. Do you know what I mean?"

Just then, something catches my eye above the bridge. I believe my stepfather, Bo, who has passed on, pointed it out to me. He was there and I think it was him who pointed to something and shifted my attention upward. As I looked up at whatever it was (can't remember what it was), I became aware that my first love had come across the bridge to meet me and now stood in front of me. I slowly lean into him and we embrace. It is a precious, precious feeling. He moves slightly, so that our bodies are perfectly in line with each other. The chakras align and there is a peaceful, joyous feeling of communion. Deep, deep communion.

Then, I find myself sitting on his lap. I lean my head back and we kiss. It is a long, deep, and intensely sensual kiss. I see my sister walk up behind us just as we start to kiss but when she sees what is happening she quickly leaves. At the end of the dream, still kissing, I feel the beginning of a feeling like fear. It feels as if I will be overwhelmed by this.

The house is the first clue. During the time I lived there, I entered puberty and all the confused feelings about love and boys and etc. At that same time was when I first became infatuated with this man, my first true love. I had only had one big crush before him, and it paled in comparison. This infatuation lasted through high school but only consumated romantically after that time. In all, I was "in love" with this man for at least 10-15 years of my life. Then, we went separate ways for many, many years.

So, I'm in the house where these feelings started. My Mom is there, as she has been in waking life, in support and without judgement. That's probably her biggest gift - truly unconditional love. She watches as I cross the bridge.

The bridge, of course, is highly significant. In my waking life, I am truly crossing a bridge of sorts too. I am on the brink of changing the way I have done everything in my life. Part of getting over that spiritual bridge definitely has to do with healing my feelings about relationships with me. At present, I am completely unwilling to have any type of relationship with a man. I believe that men cannot be faithful to one woman. I believe this to my core. That is precisely why the first man who hurt me as an adult, and probably set the stage for all the others, is in this dream. I think it is glorious that he meets me halfway on the bridge. The feeling of embracing him was also glorious. But something nags at is the shift from attention upward, to whatever Bo had pointed out to me, back to the bridge and to the man. What did I miss? What was I focused on before....

The brief scene following the bridge speaks volumes to me about my own fears of getting involved with a man once more and, once more, getting hurt. Betrayed. Cheated on. Overwhelmed in spite of my better judgement. So, this is the issue that is up for me, in spades.

The good news is that at least I made it halfway across that bridge. And that part was made with ease.

Recommended Reading: Women Are From Venus, Men Are From Mars

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