Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Dreams about death, dreams about the heart

A few nights ago, I asked to be shown, in dreamtime, the state of my health with regard to my heart. I've had pain, pressure, actually every symptom associated with a heart attack but I also know full well that all those symptoms can precede a spiritual acceleration period having to do with the heart chakra. I am treating the situation as if there were a heart problem on a physical level - taking what I know to take for that situation - but I am also looking at spiritual levels of consciousness and transformation. So, I asked to be shown what the heart struggle was about, spiritually speaking.

I had two dreams. Of the first, I recall only a tiny but very significant snippet. I am standing in a space, in the dream, and waiting for an answer to the question I asked before going to sleep. Suddenly, an actor friend of mine appears. She points to my heart and says "They always come where your wounds are the greatest."

Second dream: I'm in a dark, long room. There are twin beds lined up down this long hall of a room. I am in one bed. Nearby, a good friend is also in one of the beds and, in another, is my mother. I am aware that I have been visited by my ex-mate. He is there somewhere, I think, maybe in the 8th or 9th bed down this hall/room.

I am weeping. I am weeping for loss of joy in my life and confusion over my spiritual direction. I look back to see where my mate is and see that he is not there. Just as I turn back around, I see him to my right. I say "you're here?" He asks "Are you surprised?" and puts out his hand. When I take his hand, and rise to walk with him, I am aware of two things:

1. He is not really there. He is a hologram. His life energy is not present, the way it would be if we were truly connecting in dreamtime. His hand feels dead in mine but I take it anyway.

2. My good friend sleeping in one of the beds is concerned. She does not want me to leave with him. She says nothing but I sense her trepidation.

As I take his arm, he says to me "I think you are going to kill yourself". We walk out of the room and around the corner to sit down at a cafeteria booth. I look over and see a woman setting a big tray down. It is half full of cooked carrots. She says "these have to go". Then, I glance over at the food trays and notice that they are all dried out - most the food gone from them and what is left is dried out and not edible. It's interesting that my ex disappears as soon as I sit down at the booth.

This posting is actually a week or so after the dreams above and the meaning has become crystal clear over time. In the past few days, the pain in my chest and other alarming symptoms including pain down the left arm, pain in the left jaw, swelling and pain in the left leg, nausea and constant fatique to the point of being excessively tired after walking just a few minutes (unable to take more than three stairs at a time without stopping to rest) and chronic, inexplicable indigestion have led me to seek health guidance. I spoke with a doctor first. After giving him all my symptoms and my family history, he strongly urged me to go directly to the emergency room by ambulance.

That's not the way I live my life. I went to a holistic counselor who is very experienced in kinsesiology (muscle testing) and had an indepth session with her that revealed 5 blockages in my circulatory system. The one near the hear was the most serious, registering an 80% blockage. The others were in the neck, left arm and left leg. I immediately started a very aggressive natural health regimen, stayed completely off the computer for several days and got almost complete rest for three days. At this point, I am limiting my time online to 15 minutes at a time.

I want to start with the last dream first. As with all Medicine Dreams, this one is filled with layers and layers of meaning. The food was incredibly significant. I associate carrotts with good vision, for example. The fact that these carrots were old and dried out and the woman at the cafeteria said in no uncertain terms "these have to go", tells me that my vision is old, dried out, and has to shift. It's time for new vision and a new path. I've known this for a long time too. In fact, I've known it (on some level) since a Sacred experience with an ancient Chanupa. I've feared it. Avoided it. But it is coming. A new way of being of service. And for that to happen, there must be a healing around issues of the heart. I've been holding to the spiritual vision of yesteryear, and it has been damaging me. In fact, all the dried out trays of food showed me, in a glaring way, that I have not been feeding my soul. I have been starving, spiritually and creatively and have had my heart closed off, both to receiving and giving.

The fact that my ex appeared as a dead form, with no life energy inside, told me I was holding on to a dead past with him. Still, even after years of being apart, some part of me had not let go. I am being shown, over and over, that I must let go. My very life is at stake. He said to me "I think you are going to kill yourself". Can't get much clearer than that. I don't have any plans for suicide on a conscious level of course, but subconsciously, I have been setting a course to leave this planet. On a spiritual note, and a more hopeful one, he may also have been telling me that a massive ego death was in order, to heal. I hope that's what I'm doing now......making the changes needed to avoid a physical death in the near future.

Not surprisingly, I also started my Moontime during this significant spiritual rejuvenation decision. For quite a few years, Moon Lodge was the centering core of my spiritual development so it seems quite appropriate that I be in a sort of Moon Lodge when these changes are being decided upon, changes that could mean life or death.

As I think back over the Medicine Dreams of the past few months, I see the message over and over and over again. I am dying. My life has to change and it has to change now.

The first dream, brief as it was, is also tremendously significant on more than one level. As a healer, for many years I worked full time to help others heal themselves. The majority of damage, physically, was the result of spiritual imbalance. I'd say almost all. If one is not walking in alignment with their soul purpose, feeling their joy, following their bliss, then the physical body has no choice but to eventually manifest imbalance too. As a healer, I've known this for a long time. It's harder to see when it's you.

My friend, pointing toward my heart, says to me "They always come where your wounds are the greatest" was literally telling me that the signs of physical dis-ease and imbalance will grativate toward the area most closed off, most damaged, least spiritually in balance. For me, the fact that 4 of my 5 circulatory blockages were on the left side indicates a severe cut-off from the feminine energies that have been responsible for my most powerful spiritual transformations in the past.

An interesting aside......for the past few days, I've been seeing a truly huge bug that looks EXACTLY like a mosquito except about 200% bigger, and kind of a light orange color. It appears when I open the door to go outside, whether I go out the front door or the back. It is always directly in my line of eyesight. And, odd as it may seem, it is aware of me. It stops, turns, and I swear, looks at me. I can't help but be reminded of the dream I had some time back about a huge mosquito. That dream was about joy, to a great degree, and I am so aware that joy equals life. Absense of joy equals a kind of death. I must find more joy.

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